“The hard part is putting one word after another.” ―Jo Linsdell

Last week I decided to start working on my book again. I realized that I began working on it 10 years ago, and I desperately want to finish it. Of course, I haven’t been writing continuously for the last 10 years. I didn’t write at all for a few years. Plus in 2016 I decided to scrap what I had and start over. Of course, around the same time my best friend was hit by a car. I was planning to do as much as I could for NaNoWriMo, but life had other plans. Then I planned on writing for camp NaNoWriMo last summer, but school kept me busy. Then I was unable to participate in NaNoWriMo last year due to personal issues. So, I am going to just do it. I want to do it for NaNoWriMo, but I can’t just sit here and wait 9 months just so I can cram 50,000 words onto paper for the sake of saying I did it. Who knows, maybe I will be done with my first draft and working on my second draft by that time.

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All I know is that it is part of my 30 before 30 list to finish and publish this book. I am determined, and my wonderful boyfriend and my best friend are both behind me on this. It will happen, so stay tuned for updates. For now, enjoy this image that I decided to use as my temporary cover. Yes, we all look terrible, we were at a sleepover and I was 17. This is by no means the actual cover, though.

I know this post was completely random, but it’s what I’m doing right now. As always, thank you for visiting my blog. It is greatly appreciated! Keep coming back for new content each week.

Please enjoy my playlist pertaining to my book, it’s the popular songs/songs we listened to back then. https://open.spotify.com/embed/user/carraskye/playlist/6dnlocOoYCaEqFlmYXbmao

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“Do not be afraid to ask for help. Nobody gets through college on their own.” -Michelle Obama

downloadCollege in and of itself is stressful, everyone knows that. Between homework, tests, reading, and your outside life there is so much to do. There are also many outside factors that could push back your estimated completion date. It’s a bummer when life gets in the way of what you want to do but it happens and there may be nothing you can do about it.

I started college in fall of 2011 at a community college and my life took a turn that I had not expected. The guy I had been in love with since I was 17 chose another woman over me. This caused my math grade to suffer and I failed the course. In spring of 2012 I moved out on my own and started volunteering more and started focusing less on my education, like not doing all of my homework. I failed my math class a second time, my astronomy class, and political science.

280px-Chevrolet_Metro_sedanFall of 2012 was definitely the worst semester of all, however. I enrolled in 2 English courses, history, tennis (because PE is required), photography, and child development. In this semester I started getting a fever almost every other week starting the second week of school. The doctors didn’t know what issue was so it was never addressed. I was also in 2 car accidents, neither being the fault of my own. The day after my second accident, that basically totalled my Geo Metro LSi, my aunt and uncle moved out-of-state. Next, my long-term boyfriend and I broke up, I was sexually assaulted by my neighbor, and I moved into Hector’s parent’s house. Due to all of this, I stopped going to school and failed all of my classes. It was also at this time that I decided to go on a mission.

My mission resulted in me taking 2 years off of school, which is what I thought I needed. When I returned, I started taking 2 classes each semester. I was doing wonderfully there for a bit. But then in 2016, Hector and I moved to L.A. and I had to transfer. This pushed my education back further. I was actually scheduled to be done this semester but I, again, dropped all of my classes and I left to Missouri for a month to clear my head. This my graduation date being pushed again. I went back to L.A. because I knew I wanted to finish my degrees but I was once again sexually assaulted at my place of residence by a neighbor and I had no choice but to move.

I am now enrolled in my third community college and I believe that if I stick with it, I will completely done next spring semester. It took a long time but I’m getting there. It will be a joyous occasion that you will all hear about (hopefully next year). Next stop? Bachelor’s degree!

Thank you all for visiting my blog, as always. I hope you enjoy your view of my thoughts. If you have any comments, concerns, or questions please post them below.

“Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.” -Helen Keller

26994833_1771124659862591_1429434973_n          Life is full of surprises. Some of those surprises are good, some are bad and we never know when they are coming. The thing you have to remember, though, is that they happen for a reason.

Lately, my life has been twisted and turned upside down. When I felt like I was at rock bottom, it shifted and I fell deeper. I was talking to a good friend recently about my struggles and this is what he said to me,

26996560_1771124649862592_130041946_n“There’s always worse. You think you’ve hit rock bottom but there’s always lower. But guess what…You can keep going higher, too, Once you start climbing again, you’ll think you could never be happier but then things keep getting better.”

Those of you who suffer with depression, those of you who are battling life’s biggest challenges, those of you who are looking for the light in the dark….you are not alone. It seems like it will never end. It seems 26994720_1771124683195922_1436369907_nlike things will never get better. I promise you they will. Just stay positive. Trust me, I know it’s hard. I have difficulty sometimes, too. It’s even harder when I can’t handle my depression anymore and I have to just lay in bed and cry. We all fall on hard times but they don’t define who we are, it’s what we do in those hard times. Just know that you are loved and every battle has to end sometime, even if it feels like it never will.

This post may not help you at all but I know music can be powerful. I encourage you to listen to the following songs. Be strong, be brave, be you.

 

27140430_1771124653195925_550787904_o          As always, thank you for visiting. Please comment below if you want to talk through your struggles or if you want to give words of encouragement to someone who may be struggling. I hope you see just how strong you are and just how strong you’ve always been.

“You’ve got to love yourself first. You’ve got to be okay on your own before you can be okay with somebody else.” -Jennifer Lopez

26637862_1765309620444095_1867319733_nHello friends and family. I want to give you all a little update in my life so you can all be reassured that I am, indeed, okay.

Last any of you knew I was still trying to figure things out and I was either in Missouri or L.A. Well, I am now in neither place. Due to unforeseen circumstances, I am Near Fresno rooming with my best friend and her boyfriend and their daughter. I know a lot of people have their concerns about this set up but it’s all going to work out. How do I know this? Faith!

I’m not going to write much because I just wanted to let you all know that I am in good hands. I have a job, I have a place to stay with my own room, and I have food in my belly. I’m not let out in the cold rain to starve, I know I’m loved. Just know that I am ok and I am making it through everything.

And as always, thank you for checking out my blog! Keep coming back here every week.

“You save yourself or you remain unsaved.” ―Alice Sebold

First off, happy new year everyone! Usually this time of year I would do a post about my goals for this year. Instead, I decided to make a post about something that needs to be addressed because it happens all too often to men and women. This post is a very hot topic and as always I will do my best to provide ample resources for my readers.

rapeThe definition of rape, taken directly from dictionary.com, is as follows:

Noun:
1. unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of thevagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by asex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim.
2. statutory rape.
3. an act of plunder, violent seizure, or abuse; despoliation; violation: the rape of the countryside.
4. Archaic. the act of seizing and carrying off by force.

timeSexual assault of any kind is nothing to joke about. It is a serious thing and it is very real. It’s so serious that Time Magazine made victims their Person of the Year for 2017. It’s amazing how much progress has been made to prevent sexual assault but still astounding how far we have left to go. Girls are still being told they are sexual objects at a young age. Women are still blamed because their clothing screamed they wanted it. Men are told that they can’t be victims. Men are told to suck it up and that they really actually liked it. Victims continue to be to blame while the perp goes free. How do we fix this? That’s what I went in search of to find the answers I needed.

sexual-assault-awareness-3One major thing I know that can be changed is over sexualizing females. Yes, I know it happens to males as well but it’s overly done to women and it’s sick. We can’t do anything without being called a slut or other derogatory names.

For more on prevention, visit the following links

Rape Prevention and Education

Rape Prevention Tips

Initiatives to prevent sexual violence

Rape Prevention and Education Resources

I know that this is hard to read about and you may even be a victim of sexual assault. If you are, just know you are never alone. Just remember the #metoo campaign, there are thousands of us out there.As always, I’m glad you are here. If you have anything to add to this, please feel free to comment below. If you need a pick me up, watch the video below and remember that I am here if you need to talk.

“There’s something about a holiday that isn’t all about how much money you spend.” -Hilarie Burton

I know it’s the day after Christmas but I still want to wish everyone happy holidays. I hope you got just what you hoped for.

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As for me, I bought myself a computer game called Cattails. If you haven’t heard of it, you get to play as a cat and go throughout life. It’s really cool! I even made a Facebook group for it because it’s a new game and I figured that since all the other games I play have groups and this one doesn’t, I’d do it. Visit and join here.

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So far I’m in the beginning of winter of year one and I love it! It was just released at the beginning of the month so I’m really excited that I have a copy. If you want to check it out steam is having a sale right now. Visit their website here to purchase. They also have their own official site here.

Anyway, that’s all from me this holiday. Have a great week and as always, thank you for checking out my blog. Comment below with how your holiday went.

“This is who I am. I’m not perfect. I don’t want to try to be perfect.” -Michael Strahan

Sometimes things happen when you least expect them to. Like winning a drawing, finding a lucky penny on the ground, or your friend getting a divorce. Life is crazy sometimes. And I’m sure that you all know that. Otherwise you wouldn’t be reading my blog.

Why do I bring this up? Because I am finally bringing everyone up to date on my life. This post will probably leave you with many questions but it will also answer many of the questions you are currently too afraid to ask.

judgeI’ve decided that I am done hiding from people’s’ judgement. I’m done pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m done lying to everyone I know just so I can make them happy. So, here it all goes. And please, hold your judgement until the end. I know I’m not the best person in the world and I don’t need to blast my entire life on the internet but I feel like my family and friends deserve to know. This will be a very long post so sit tight, maybe make some popcorn or whatever your go-to snack is.

In 2010 (yes, a back story is vital) I came home from summer camp and had a message from my dad. He asked if I had ever talked to my brothers and sister (Mark, Shawn, Kevin, Janelle, and Ryan). After living in Fresno for the better part of 10 years, he asks if I had ever hung out with them. He had never once in my 18 years told me that they were only a few short miles away from where I had grown up. So I did what any sane person in the 21st century would do and I looked them up on Facebook. I only found one of them, my brother Kevin. He’s a really awesome guy. We began talking and set a date to meet. He convinced our sister, Janelle, to also meet me.

Janelle h 2So, one sunday after church, Kevin picked me up and took me to his house. His wife and son were there and eager to meet me. We hung out for a bit until my sister and her boyfriend finally showed up and we began playing a board game until it was time for me to go home. For a few years, I had only met the two of them. My other 3 brothers were not as ready to meet in person, I guess. To this day, I still haven’t met Ryan or Mark.

janelle hAnyway, in the spring of 2012 I was taking a particularly difficult class. I needed help with it and My sister’s boyfriend offered to tutor me. We met up like once but I felt uncomfortable so I didn’t let him tutor me anymore.

Fall semester of 2012 comes around, I had just gotten out of a 6 month relationship. It was October and my favorite holiday was right around the corner. I posted on Facebook that I had nothing to do on Halloween and how I was really bummed because it was my favorite. Well, my sister’s boyfriend sent me a message offering to take me to a haunted house. If you know me, I love haunted houses. So I excitedly agreed. I then found out that he was no longer my sister’s boyfriend….and we hung out that night and he kissed me. I let him because I missed being close with a male. My previous relationship was great and I was the one who screwed things up. And Kissing this guy, my sister’s ex boyfriend, ruined things even farther. My ex was willing to forgive me but then when I told him I went out with someone else, it was all over. Two days later, I was in a hotel room with this man.

hector.jpgThis man’s name is Hector. Shocker, I know. We didn’t actually decide to be a couple until after Thanksgiving. And then at the beginning of December, I stayed with him because I was sexually assaulted in my apartment complex and no longer felt safe there. Then at the beginning of January I went back to stay with my family. I didn’t want anyone to meet Hector. I was ashamed because he was so much older and he was awkward. I didn’t want people to know we were dating. Then at the beginning of March, I went on a mission for my church.

Halfway through my mission, I sent him a letter saying I didn’t want to be with him. It wasn’t right and I felt strongly that it needed to end. I then started talked to an elder who was serving his mission on the opposite side of the country. He was my dream guy. Until things started to turn sexual.

I got home in September of 2014. I saw Hector two weeks later. I stayed the night at his house and I knew I shouldn’t have. And I panicked and demanded that we get married. Two months later I was living with him.

I married him for selfish reasons. Of course I loved him. But I loved him for selfish reasons. And it took me a long time to realize that. I hurt him too many times since we;ve been married and I know that he blames himself but it really is more on me.

Almost 3 years after being married, we’re getting a divorce. I know that it seems sudden and like it was totally out of the blue. But it wasn’t. We started having issues that we couldn’t work through long ago. And it really is better for the both of us if we aren’t together anymore. We will be much happier and at peace this way.

I know that you have a million questions. Like what did I do to hurt him? Why was I so selfish? Where are we going in life now? What is next in my life? There are many things that I cannot put into words here. But I want you all to know the truth because I think you deserve to know that we are no longer together as well as a little bit behind it.

meI know that I was selfish. And I’m working on that. I’m working on myself. I’m sorry to Hector’s friends and family who may read this. I’m sorry to those who I let down. I’m sorry, but I’m also not sorry. We all do things we aren’t proud of. I just keep doing it. You may not be happy about it but I am who I am and I can’t change the past. I can only decide not to continue on the same path I was on. Like it or not, this is who I am. I’m a college student who failed out of school and decided to try again. I smoked cigarettes when I was 5 years old but vowed I would never touch anything like that again. I hurt people I loved very dearly and I never want to hurt anyone that way again. I am an almost 26-year-old soon-to-be divorcee but I won’t let that stop me from finding true love. I am homeless and broke but I have friends who hold me up when I am broken so I know things will be ok. I’m ok. Even if I’m not ok now, I will be. Because I know that my life is what I make of it. And if you are religious, you need to watch the following videos.

As always, thank you for coming to my blog. I hope this answered your questions. I still love my readers and I hope you come back to read about the goings on in my life. Until then, have a wonderful week. And if you have anything you’d like to say, comment below.

 

“No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.” -Robin Williams

Forget about my 26 before 26 list! Here is my new and improved 30 before 30 list…

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  1. Read at least 30 books
  2. Learn to let go of the past
  3. Love myself again
  4. Go white water rafting
  5. Grow out my hair
  6. Reach and maintain a healthy weight
  7. Take a cooking class
  8. Finish and publish my book
  9. Fall in love with life
  10. Go backpacking for a week
  11. Revamp my personal style
  12. Forgive people who hurt me
  13. Do something that absolutely terrifies me
  14. Learn a new skill
  15. Get and keep a job I enjoy
  16. Visit a state or country I’ve never been to
  17. Let love happen
  18. Get a cat or dog
  19. Find God again
  20. Keep up with my blog
  21. Go to a concert
  22. Learn some sign language
  23. Find beauty in the mundane
  24. Get in touch with old friends
  25. Learn to enhance my beauty
  26. Meet with a chiroproctor
  27. Brighten someone’s day
  28. Learn yoga
  29. Follow Marie Kondo’s rules for tidying up
  30. Be positive, always.

If you made it all the way through my list, you probably have questions. Let me give you a little background on how and why I came up with these items, one by one.

  1. I’m sure many of you know by now that I love reading. I always have a goal to read a certain number of books in a certain amount of time. I never reach that goal. For example, for my 26 before 26 list, I had a goal of reading 26 books. Insane, right? 26 books in one year is a far reach for me and I know that. It was crazy to make that goal. You may think that 30 books before I’ 30 is a big goal as well, but I’m giving myself 5 years! I’m counting the books I already read this year, because why not. Just so you all know, I finished 7 books this year so far.
  2. Learning to let go of the past is something that we all need to do in life. Some of us realise early on that our past holds us back. For me, it took a long while. But I figured it out! Better late than never, right?
  3. Self love is vital. We can’t get far in life if we don’t love ourselves. I’ve been feeling down about myself, the way I look, everything. It’s unhealthy and I want it to end.
  4. White water rafting is something I’ve wanted to do since I was a teenager but never had the chance to do. I will be doing it in the next 4 years, though. No excuses.
  5. Growing out my hair kinda goes with self love. It makes me feel better about myself when I have long, healthy hair.
  6. My weight is my main source of low self-esteem. I don’t feel good when I look at myself in the mirror. I’m overweight and I know that. But I am ready to make a change.
  7. I want to take a cooking class because, well, why not? It’s something fun to do in the community.
  8. Finishing my book is something I’ve talked about for YEARS. And I do mean years. Maybe 5 years? Probably more. It’s high time I stopped saying it and just do it.
  9. I want to love my life. People say that there is nothing about life to love but oh are they wrong. I want to love the life I live. I don’t have to love what’s going on in the world but I do want to love what I do, say, feel, experience. I want to feel optimistic in all things.
  10. If you check out the Wilderness Girl tab, you know that I was supposed to go backpacking this past summer with my best friends in the whole world, Michaela. But I landed my job at Universal so that didn’t happen. Instead, We pushed it back. Well, it will happen and I can’t wait for it. Maybe this summer? Who knows!
  11. I have a personal style board on Pinterest of things I would love to wear but I hate shopping for clothes because I feel so ugly in so many things. I hate most of my wardrobe but I don’t want to but new things because I want to lose weight first. It’s a never ending cycle…or it was. I’m breaking that cycle this year!
  12. I have held on to pain for too long, I need to let it all go.
  13. We’re supposed to do something every day that scares us, right? Well, what about the things that absolutely terrify us? I’m doing that sometime in the next couple years.
  14. I want to learn a new skill, I’m not sure what that skill is yet but I want to learn it!
  15. I loved my job at Universal so much, unfortunately it just wasn’t in the cards to keep it. I am on the hunt for a job I enjoy just as much, if not more.
  16. Like most people, I love to travel. I want to visit a state, or country (Canada?) that I’ve never been to because why not?
  17. Let love happen. Don’t force it.
  18. I want a cat or dog so bad. I love them, I miss my cat Socks so much.
  19. Finding God again is one that may have thrown people off. This one I can’t really explain without going to personal and I just can’t do that today. In another blog post maybe. But not today.
  20. Keep up with my blog. I’ve said it time and time again. I’ve failed, time and time again. I am determined. I started off strong this year, though so I’m improving!
  21. I’ve gone to one concert, Raven Symone at the Fresno Fair. I want to go to a big concert, like Imagine Dragons or Taylor Swift.
  22. Sign language is a very powerful language. I want to learn so that I can comunicate with people who are hard of hearing.
  23. I think there is hidden beauty in everything and I intend to find it.
  24. Have you ever told someone that you’d keep in touch and then never do? Well, I have and I want to keep that. I am determined to keep in touch with them.
  25. Enhancing beauty isn’t all centered around makeup. It’s also about how you dress, how you carry yourself, everything.
  26. I have issues that I would like addressed by a chiropractor. It’s pretty self explanatory, I think.
  27. Who doesn’t want to brighten someone else’s day?
  28. I have friends who do yoga and I want to learn.
  29. I started the Marie Kondo rules but never finished because so much stuff was in storage. Then I just gave up.
  30. Always being positive is probably the hardest. I am trying, though. That’s why matters. I want to be an optimist not a pessimist.

If you have a 30 before 30 list, share with us below what you have. As always, thank you for visiting my blog. Until next time!

“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have left.” ―Ziad K. Abdelnour

A few days ago I went to the gynecologist only to come out with some shocking news. You never want to hear any statement that begins with “You have….” and continues on to say something that you have. Especially when it’s an incurable thing

I’ve always wondered if there was something there but someone always had an answer for my issues. I’ve wondered why I have never been menstruating regularly. “Oh, that’s normal.” Why did I started gaining weight so easily after puberty and haven’t been able to work it off, just gain more? “Oh, it’s just hormones.” I’ve wondered why so much of my hair comes out in the shower EVERY DAY. “Everyone sheds hair everyday.” Why was I suddenly suffering with depression? “Well, you have gone through a lot of trauma in your life.” Why do I grow hair where I shouldn’t? “Many women have facial hair, it’s pretty normal.” Why can I never fall asleep at night? “You’re not active enough during the day.”

Someone always had an answer to come back with for every question I ever asked so I eventually stopped asking. Until the other day. I didn’t ask the questions but I finally got the answer to them from her. “You have PCOS, you are the definition of it. How did no one talk to you about this before?”

I know what you are thinking, what on earth is PCOS? Well, it stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and it is the leading cause of female infertility. There are over 200,000 cases in the US alone! And many women go undiagnosed, like I was.

Here are a list of symptoms found on the official website for PCOS:

Women with PCOS typically have irregular or missed periods as a result of not ovulating. Although some women may develop cysts on their ovaries, many women do not.

Other symptoms include:

  • Weight gain. About half of women with PCOS will have weight gain and obesity that is difficult to manage.
  • Fatigue. Many women with PCOS report increased fatigue and low energy. Related issues such as poor sleep may contribute to the feeling of fatigue.
  • Unwanted hair growth (also known as hirsutism). Areas affected by excess hair growth may include the face, arms, back, chest, thumbs, toes, and abdomen. Hirsutism  related to PCOS is due to hormonal changes in androgens.
  • Thinning hair on the head. Hair loss related to PCOS may increase in middle age.
  • Infertility. PCOS is a leading cause of female infertility. However, not every woman with PCOS is the same. Although some women may need the assistance of fertility treatments, others are able to conceive naturally.
  • Acne. Hormonal changes related to androgens can lead to acne problems. Other skin changes such as the development of skin tags and darkened patches of skin are also related to PCOS.
  • Mood changes. Having PCOS can increase the likelihood of mood swings, depression, and anxiety.
  • Pelvic pain. Pelvic pain may occur with periods, along with heavy bleeding. It may also occur when a woman isn’t bleeding.
  • Headaches. Hormonal changes prompt headaches.
  • Sleep problems. Women with PCOS often report problems such as insomnia or poor sleep. There are many factors that can affect sleep, but PCOS has been linked to a sleep disorder called sleep apnea.  With sleep apnea, a person will stop breathing for short periods of time during sleep.

As you can see, symptoms of PCOS are not pleasant. But that is exactly why women’s health care is so important. We need to help people with incurable ailments, such as this, as well as curable ones.

Though it isn’t curable, there are treatment options. Of course, the number one treatment is being place on birth control to stabilize your menstrual cycle. Often times, women get placed on metformin as well to help with various symptoms. I have not been placed on either. There is a pill that a doctor can give you if you haven’t menstruated in the last 90 days to cause you to menstruate so your body can clean itself out. This is what I will be taking if need be.

I know celebrities are a big part of our society so here is a small list of famous women who has struggled with PCOS:

  • Jillian Michaels

  • Emma Thompson

  • Victoria Beckham

  • Rebecca Atkinson

  • Jools Oliver

  • Sasha Pieterse

There is an entire month devoted to PCOS awareness, September. I wish I had known sooner that way I could participate but now I know for next month. But until then, if you see a teal ribbon anywhere, it’s for PCOS.

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         As always, thank you for reading my post and I hope this has helped you understand PCOS and how it can affect you. If you think you might have it, talk to your doctor right away.

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“Distance not only gives nostalgia, but perspective, and maybe objectivity.” -Robert Morgan

Here is another throwback video post. I grew up watching some of these and I loved them. It was also saught after so, here you are! What was your favorite?

I hope that this brought back as many memories for you as it did for me. As always, thank you for visiting and I hope you have a great day!