Hello everyone. I hope you are all doing well. I was up late last night, as insomnia is a part of PCOS, and I was doing some thinking. Of course, when you’re lost in thought, one thing leads to another and your mind has wandered to a place you didn’t expect. That’s what this blog post is about.
I’ve blogged about different points on my 30 before 30 list several times and I want to revisit one I’ve talked about before, number 12: Forgive people who hurt me. Why do I want to revisit this one? Well, sometime while I was lost in thought, a specific person came to mind and I realized, I am ready to forgive him. For the sake of privacy, we shall call him D. He was my first love, the one I swore I would be with forever. I met him when I was 16, when I lived in Missouri and we dated for about six months and he was there for me during the darkest time of my life. We broke up because I had to move away and it was hard for both of us. We loved each other but we didn’t know what would happen with having 3,000 miles between us. We both went through a lot of change, dated different people, then in 2011 we had the opportunity to reunite. It didn’t go the way I had always envisioned. Two weeks later he got married. I won’t bore you with the woes of that day I found out because they don’t matter anymore. I will say, the best thing to come of that was a one-on-one lunch and movie with my Uncle Dirk.
Anyway, as I lay awake thinking about him and the feeling of forgiveness, an idea popped into my head and I honestly debated it a lot. But here it goes, a letter to D, from me. Will he ever read it? I don’t know, he doesn’t need to. It’s more for myself than for him. If you want to stop reading here, I will understand. I’m glad you came to my blog and I hope you continue coming back. If you’d like to read this letter, here it is:
I want to start this letter by saying thank you. Because of you, I learned a lot about myself, about the world, about pain and joy, and about letting go of it all. I have thought about you a lot in the last decade, though it’s less and less as time passes.
I’m happy for you and your life. Your two little girls are adorable and your wife is a beautiful mother. To be honest, it may take longer to forgive her but I am glad for what I went through with her. All the harsh words, the pain, everything helped me let you go.
I hope you are safe in your position in the military. I hope your daughters grow up knowing they have a very strong and wonderful dad. I hope they look up to you and know that you will protect them no matter what.
There was a time when I was jealous. I wanted to be here. I wanted to be the one to be yours forever. But I now know what we had was not forever. You were a branch, not a root. You were in my life when I needed you the most, you were there crying with me in the hospital as I prepared to say goodbye to my grandma. You were there, listening to me sob as I told you ever pain I had during that dark time. And for that I am grateful. You were the rock I needed. And I’m so glad you are able to that rock for your family.
I wish nothing but happiness and health in your life. It may have taken me years to get to this point but I honestly do. I hope you are doing well and that, if you ever read this, you know that it comes from my heart.
Thank you D, for being the first love and the first heartbreak I needed. I’m glad you were a part of my life and I wouldn’t change it for anything. You helped make me who I am today.