So, the last few weeks have been good but also bad. I have been trying to stay on the positive side but sometimes certain forces just don’t want you to be happy. There are some people that constantly pull you down. That’s what this blog post is all about, hence the quote that I used.
There is one specific force, a person who is very close to me, that is causing most of this, negative thought, to fill my head. I will not name any names but it is very hard to look on the bright side of anything when every time something good is going on in my life they tear my hope down. I have been struggling with it since my Junior year in high school and I’m still not sure why I let it get to me. I know I shouldn’t but I do because they are really important to me and I want them to believe in me. But lately they have been telling me that I’m not good enough to serve a mission and that’s why I haven’t gotten my call yet.
They also told me, just the other day, that I am useless and no one wants me. They said this because I haven’t been very productive, sitting on the couch a lot. I don’t know when I’m leaving on my mission so I couldn’t go to school and I can’t get a job because, again, I don’t know when I’m leaving. It’s just so frustrating because I keep getting told that my life is going nowhere just because all I’m doing right now is volunteer 3 days a week and church on Sundays. I can’t really do much else, I can’t even really hang out with friends seeing as they all either go to school, work, or both. And, said person, tells me that I shouldn’t waste my time looking at colleges since I failed out of college anyway. They pretty much said I couldn’t do it and I guess I believed them And now I have to find a way to go back to school. I was stupid and listened to stupid talk. It affected my decisions for school since high school. I always wanted to go to BYU-Idaho but I was told I couldn’t make it in college so I thought I wasn’t smart enough to go to a university, therefore I thought it pointless to take the SAT/ACT. Instead I settled for Fresno City College. Everything was paid for with grants, even my gas and car insurance (thanks to the pell grants). I failed my math class the first semester in and they put me down. I got so angry I threw my math book across the room one day because of it. I still wish I had thought more of myself in high school, I would probably be at BYU-I right now. But what’s done is done, no going back now. I’ve thought about going to take the SAT now but I still feel like I could never do well enough to ever be accepted to BYU. I guess I have a lot to think about. Either way, I’m going back to school when I come home from my mission. I WILL get a degree in child development and early childhood teaching. I want to be a preschool teacher and one day own my own daycare. I have goals and dreams and I know how to get there. I just need to block out all the negative thoughts and see the person I really am.
Well my friends, that is all I have for today. Write again soon!